How it Happens by Katie Wagner

I need to talk about what happened to me today. I don’t want to, but I need to.

I had just walked into the empty skate park. I knew friends were meeting me but they hadn’t arrived yet and I didn’t know when they would. It’s fenced in and gated and there is exactly one entrance/exit, a fact I was acutely aware of because as a woman who exists in this world, that’s the kind of thing you are conditioned to notice quickly.

Two men were walking along the fence outside the park and one said, “You’re gonna skate?”
What I wanted to say was, “Would I be here if I wasn’t going to skate?”
What I actually said was, “Yep...”
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

I sat on the ground and opened my gear bag to change my wheels when I heard a voice behind me. “Oh, you not *skating*, you *rollerskating*.”
What I wanted to say was, “Fuck off.”
What I actually said was, “Man, it’s all skating.”
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

He stood between me and the one gate in, which was also the one gate out. My only escape. A fact I was acutely aware of because because as a woman who exists in this world, that’s the kind of thing you are conditioned to notice quickly. He stood so close to me that his shoe touched my leg and I scooted it away so that he wasn’t touching me anymore. He moved closer. If I had looked up at him I would have literally been face to crotch.

What I wanted to say was, “Get the fuck out of my personal space.”
What I actually said was nothing.
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

He picked up one of my wheels and said, “What kind of bearings are these?”
What I wanted to say was, “Don’t touch my shit and get the fuck away from me or it’ll be a bearing that’s embedded in your skull.”
What I actually said was, “Cheeseballs.”
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

He made small talk about bearings.
What I wanted to say was, “Leave me alone. I’m here to skate not be bugged by fuckboys.”
What I actually did was give him one word answers while I looked down at my skates and continued to change my wheels.
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

He said, “You got a name?”
What I wanted to say was, “None of your fucking business.”
What I actually said was, “Katie.”
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

He said, “You got an instagram?”
What I wanted to say was, “It doesn’t matter because I’m not giving it to you and it’s inappropriate and predatory to ask someone you don’t know for personal information.”
What I actually said was, “N-n-n-no.”
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

He said, “You got a number?”
What I wanted to say was, “Seriously? Leave me the fuck alone. I’m not interested. Go away.”
What I actually said was, “I have a boyfriend.”
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

He said, “Damn girl, I was just shooting my shot. Bye.”
What I wanted to say was, “You don’t just have the right to shoot your shot whenever you feel like it with whomever you feel like it with no regard for boundaries, personal space, or any kind of respect or human decency. You are not entitled to my time or attention. Walk away and think twice about the next shot you want to take.”
What I actually did was hold my breath until he was gone and collapse in relief when he and his friend drove away.
I regret not saying the words I wanted to.

I don’t think I took another breath until I heard my friends’ voices coming around the corner and I knew I wasn’t alone anymore.

Guys, it is not women’s jobs to teach you how to act but here I am doing the emotional labor so please listen. LEAVE US ALONE. If we’re alone, minding our own business, doing our own thing, living our lives, leave us alone. If you approach us, block our only exit, stand over us, force us to engage with you, come into our space, touch us or our belongings, we WILL see it as threatening and predatory. You think we’re being coy when we avert our eyes and give you short answers? WE AREN’T. We are scared senseless because while you might think you’re a decent guy who’s just trying to talk to a pretty girl, to us you look exactly the same as the guy who reached up our dress at that afterparty or the one who catcalled us while we walked down the street or the one held us down in the dark. You all look the same. Do you know what it’s like to live your life not being able to spot the difference between the guy who will back down gracefully and the one who will literally murder you because you bruised his ego with a, “Thanks but no thanks.” Women are conditioned to deescalate. We are conditioned to stroke men’s egos and let them down gently so as not to anger them. We know that the easiest way to get a man to leave us alone is to tell him that we have a boyfriend because he cares more about respecting another man’s property than he does about respecting a woman’s wishes.

Every word I didn’t say burned like acid and turned to ash in my mouth.
I regret not saying all the words I wanted to say but I didn’t know where that guy’s friend was, I didn’t know if he had a weapon on him, I didn’t know when my friends were going to get there, I didn’t know if he was the kind of person who was going to hurt me for turning him down. For him, I’m sure it was just another conversation with another bitchy girl who didn’t want to give him the time of day. I’m sure he’ll tell his friend that, yeah, that girl was cute but she was a cunt. I’m sure he’ll forget about the interaction by next week. But for me, it was another time I bit my tongue to avoid maybe being assaulted. And that’s the reality of being a woman who exists in this world. So next time you want to flirt with a cute girl, maybe just shut up and keep walking.